Site for Sore Eyes...

Latest confession? Internet dating.

This is an overdue post, really. I've been mulling penning about the topic of internet dating for some time. Before diving into the .com dating pool, it seemed like such a very odd and highly embarrassing place to dip my toes. But then I thought, hey now! I'm rather friendly with Little Miss Embarrassment. I've met her on several occasions. In fact, she is the one who tapped me my on the shoulder with a big shit-eating grin a few years back, pointing out that I was one of the last people on the seacoast to know what my husband was up to. And I survived that bit of strange horror, right?

So screw that bitch. I can handle Little Miss Embarrassment's assaults. And just to prove my point, I posted a profile.

Plus...let's face it. I'm a divorced parent of two young children. As I recently wrote to a friend...time flies on her broomstick with witchy, bitchy purpose. She is never around in the manner in which I need her. And guys! Please listen up! I've got Lego Y-wing Starfighters to build and tiny toenails to paint. Since I'm not able to parade around town at my leisure, pen and checklist of unconventionalities in hand to see who might match up, match.com it was.

Just to note....my account has been inactive for a few months. I know that's sad for a few of my co-workers who enjoy perusing profiles for sport. Truth told, I just figured out how to get rid of my actual profile tonight. But not before sending out a *wink* tinted with sarcasm. "Cyberwinks". Nothing says "I have nothing original to say or to offer" quite like a lone cyberwink. (I'm thinking he'll get the snarky joke...)

So for three months I became engrossed in the fascinating, engaging culture of internet dating. In all of my poetic clueless-ness I would open my email box each day and enter the busy little profile playground where boys tossed flirty words and favorite song lyrics at me like rocks to get my attention. Siiiiigh, right? And some were indeed boys. A few just turning 21.

And that's fun to think about for a few minutes, isn't it? Some of those e-mails were my favorites. They went something (well exactly) like this:


Tonyy123: "You look amazing. Beautiful. What is a gorgeous woman like yourself doing on a site like this? You prob have guys lined up down the driveway, don't you ;) ???"

Me: "Well aren't you full of silly, unsuccessful flattery, Tony. FYI I am currently on this site because I'm single after a damn long time. Seems like an option for meeting some interesting people to hang out with. In other words, my driveway is currently open..."

Tonyy123: "So when are you going to let me park my car?? ;)"

Me: "I think you should ask your mom, Tony. She might not appreciate that idea. After all, I think it's quite likely I went to high school with her..."

Tonyy123: "Ha. Good one. i still would tho. Get at me... ;)"


Now, how can you not love that (very) young Tony? After a few glasses of Malbec and a long day at the office, young Tony has some fine entertainment value. Especially mid-week during re-run season.

Internet dating. It serves up lots of dating potentials.

The "mature" kind (ie people much much MUCH older than your dad). I'm not sure if there are enough blue pills or life insurance payoffs to ever get me to go that route. Let's see. You've got the "embryos" (ie people who you could have given birth to). But who, btw, have INSANELY rock-hard abs that make you want to do delicious lines of Pixie Stix off that fab six-pack they're sporting. Since, hey, they are just minutes old enough to drink. And candy is the way to any kid's heart. Alright. I'm feeling a little dirty now....

I cannot forget the happily illusioned "fairytaled & fetished"( ie people who send you pictures of their gilded genitalia). And guys....if you had the *literal* balls to send those to me, please know that I have forwarded them to all of my friends who have not had the pleasure of having you stalk their profiles and send them the same photos. You've been warned...

While I hate to, I will push the jokes to the side for a minute to say this. I have also met some very amazing, smart, witty, beautiful people. I have met uncommon, interesting, and honest men. I think you know who you are. There are some who still correspond with me. Some who I count among my friends. Some who I might count as predators and enemies. And a small few who I have yet to actually meet beyond things analog. Who knows? I might eventually get the chance...

All this unpredictable fun and potential for $60.00? And maybe, just maybe, FTW?

Shhhhhhh. Let a girl enjoy the dulcet tones of her silly .com dreams.